Reacting vs Authenticity

🤦🏻‍♂️ "I’m just being honest!”—My famous last words before another huge argument.

When I first heard about authenticity over a decade ago, it resonated—but I also felt resistance. I didn’t understand why at the time, but now I do.

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🚨 Authenticity as Control 

I was taught that being authentic meant:

 "If something upsets you, don’t hold back—say exactly what you think and feel! Otherwise, you’re being inauthentic." 

In a past relationship, I believed I was making an effort, but when it went unnoticed, I felt unappreciated.

One day, after another moment of feeling unseen, I snapped:

"You always complain! You don’t appreciate anything I do!" 

I thought I was “being honest”, but was I actually being authentic? Was it constructive?

Some might say yes. But in reality, I wasn’t expressing myself—I was reacting.

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👂 Authenticity as Relating 

Years later, I learned a deeper truth:

 "You can only be as authentic as you are self-aware." 

This means noticing three things:

1️⃣ Your emotions (frustration, resentful)

2️⃣ Your body sensations (tight chest, lump in throat)

3️⃣ Your self-talk (“She is so ungrateful”)

This actually revealed more about ME than her—IF I chose to see it:

✅ I wasn’t able to understand my emotions and express them constructively.

✅ I had an unspoken need for appreciation.

✅ My mind judged her as “ungrateful,” assuming she knew how I felt and was ignoring it.

✅ In reality, my assumption—not necessarily her actions—was causing my pain.

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💕 Communicating to Connect 

Instead of lashing out, I could have said in a gentler tone:

"Can I share something with you?" 

"When I do things for us, like making lunch today, and don’t hear acknowledgment, I start to feel unappreciated. My body tenses, and resentment builds. I realize this matters to me and is something I haven’t shared before." 

Imagine how differently that conversation might have gone?

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💡 Key Takeaways:

✅ Reacting and calling it “authenticity” often leads to disconnection.

✅ Real authenticity requires self-awareness before self-expression.

✅ When I share without blame, I invite understanding.

✅ It takes a Courageous Decision to pause, reflect, and open a different kind of conversation.

 Stay Courageous

Dean Arcan